In a recent argument with my little son, in which he was refusing to do anything I asked him, I demanded, "Why won't you listen to your mother?!"
Without even bothering to look up, he asked, "Which mother?"
You see, we have had this ongoing debate over the last several months. It began sometime in October when I demanded that little son comply with some mundane request like, "Drink your milk, and then you can have candy."
This was met with opposition. "I HATE MILK! I NEED CANDY! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!"
Several exchanges later after the torrential tears had subsided to intermittent sniffles, little son announced, "My real parents are vampires (pronounced "dampires" as in d*** cat, d*** furnace, d*** pire) and superheroes."
Since that time, I have learned quite a bit about what real (dampire) moms do and don't. Some of which I have intuited myself. I have included the list below for your edification.
- Real moms don't call their children "little sh**s," even in their heads.
- Real moms don't ever drown out their children's car temper tantrums with the radio, and particularly not praise music.
- Real moms never stop including dessert in lunches, even if the child hasn't eaten his sandwich for a week and a half.
- Real moms never send the carrot sticks back for a second day.
- Real moms never cry in front of their children, even if this might teach them that crying is okay.
- Real moms never say, "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STUFF IT!!!" They never even think it.
- Real moms never wonder why other people's children are so well-behaved. This is because their own children are angels and the faults they may have are charming.
- Real moms never hide in the bathroom for three hours and hope their children will go away.
- Real moms' children never hang on them so much that they just dare their husband to try and touch them. Just try.
- Real moms never threaten to rip out all of their child's teeth if said child bites them again.
- Real moms never sacrifice the house for the children or vice versa.
- Real moms always offer empathy first when their child is hurt. They never ask, "But how on EARTH did you get a splinter there?"
- Real moms never experience the joys of old congealed half-sucked gummy bears wedged in between the sofa cushions because their children never eat in the living room.
- Real moms never have to apologize to the principal for losing their tempers.
- Real moms never experience the joy of watching their children mimicking them as they tell someone off because real moms never tell anyone off.
- Real moms never find their computers arrow keys are all sticky from children who have played computer games after eating a popsicle (or worse yet, while DRIPPING popsicle on the keyboard).
- Real moms always recognize that their children are complex individuals and never conflate them to a phase or an age, e.g., "He is totally two (or "seven" or "sixteen")!"
- Real moms are never, having lost a recent battle with a child to eat protein for dinner, serenaded with "I'm a Hungry Herbivore."
- And real moms probably never have the opportunity to sit down and reflect that, in the midst of all of their shortcomings, they are so awe-fully blessed to have their very unique children for every short moment they have.
A very late and very happy Mother's Day to all of you moms (and real moms never miss holiday deadlines, either)!